10 Really Crappy Apps for the iPhone – Literally

The other day I was searching through the iTunes app store for a new game to play on my iPhone. I checked the puzzle games section, the card games section and then the racing games section. As I was flipping through the pages of apps, one particular game icon caught my eye. It was for a game called Bathroom Racer.

Warning: If you’re are easily offended by rude or crude topics, then please skip this article. Otherwise…

We’ve all heard about the fart apps on the app store, but I was surprised that a game where you race a turd to a toilet bowl would be an app that would get approved by the ever watchful eyes of the iPhone app approval board (otherwise known as the KGB). That discovery caused me to do a few searches on related keywords just to see how many similar apps might be available. Searching on the words poop, turd and fart yielded pages and pages of apps. Who knew?! So as a result, I’ve taken upon myself to bring you a list of 10 really crappy apps for the iPhone. Enjoy. Or not…

1. Bathroom Racer – notarf Development – $0.99

This is the first app that I found in my epic search, so it’s only fitting that it’s going to be number one on this list. In this game, you drive a race car shaped pile of poo to the toilet. The object is to get the fastest time to the commode.

There are 10 levels to this game and you can use your own music library for background music if you desire.

The controls are very basic and consist of a Red and Green button on the bottom corners of the display. Press Red to move your racer Left and Green to go Right. Yeah, it’s not rocket science… Sometimes your racer will get going too fast and will flip over. When this happens, you can shake the iPhone or press the flip icon on the screen to flip it back over. That’s pretty much the extent of the game. It’s really not that much fun after the first 30 seconds of trying it out. Maybe if there was something to collect (like air freshners or toilet paper) for points. Maybe then it would be fun. Maybe. Ok, I doubt it.

2. iFart – LOL Software – $0.99

This app is called iFart in the app store, but when you buy and install it, it has a different icon and is named Ultimate Fart Machine. It’s not hard to figure out what it does…

You are presented with 3 screens of icons that map to different flatulence noises and 3 more screens that allow you to save up to 27 of your own recorded noises (oh joy).

After listening to 2 or 3 of the supplied sound bites, they all start sounding the same and they all sound really lame. Big surprise. I guess when you’ve heard one bombastic toot, you’ve heard them all.  This app might be fun for a pre-teen boy for about 5 minutes. Maybe.

3. iDontFart – http://www.idontfart.com/ – $0.99

In the same genre as #2, this app also provides sound bites. But, it has sound bites that are meant to be used to disguise more offensive sounding noises.

It provides 12 different buttons that when pressed, play a noise that you can use to cover up your… um… toots.

Some of the sound bites are kind of weird, such as finger snapping, feet tapping and coin jingling. I think the developer just ran out of ideas 😉 Ladies beware… If you buy plan to buy this app, most of the noises sound male. I think that might freak people out more than a fart noise. I’m just sayin…

4. Brown Note – LOL Software – $0.99

To round out the sound apps, this one claims to play generated noises that will cause you to have a bowel movement. Ummmm… sure…

According to Wikipedia:

“The brown note is an infrasound frequency that is said to cause humans to lose control of their bowels due to resonance. There is no scientific evidence to support the claim that a “brown note” (transmitted through sound waves in air) exists.”

I’d never heard of such a thing… Of course, I had to ask Rob about it because he pretty much knows everything (I’m not exaggerating). Of course he knew about it and told me that even if it could work, you’d have to hook the iPhone up to speakers and a subwoofer to get enough rumbles.

The app provides 9 different tones that range from static to high pitched to weird horror movie sound effects. Does it work? It might, if you take some Exlax, drink some coffee and eat some greasy tacos first. 😉 Did I test it? Ummmmm… maybe, for like a minute. The sounds gave me a headache instead of a stomach ache though.

5. Softserve Poop Machine – Ziconic – $0.99

This app is probably the most disgusting one of the group. It’s like having your own personal soft serve ice cream machine – from your nightmares.

On screen controls allow you to modify curvature, length and thickness.

I guess the developer included the very cartoonish vanilla, strawberry and chocolate options to keep the app from being over the top gross. But of course, if you are the type of person to buy this app (who the heck does buy this kind of app anyway?), then you’re NOT going to use those ‘flavors’. You’re going to go right for ‘fudge’ option. Bleh…

6. Poo Log – AvatarLabs – $1.99

For those of you that feel the need to keep track of every aspect of your life,this app will allow you to do so with quite a bit of detail. As soon as you launch the application, a timer starts to record the time it takes you to… um… poo. Once you’re done, you are then presented with some choices to accurately categorize the ‘event’.

If you have a lot of time on your hands, you can play a bathroom related trivia challenge. Check out a sample question by clicking on the thumbnail below.

At $1.99, this application is the most expensive (by $1) of the  group. In my opinion, if you need to keep a log (pun intended) like this one, then you really need to get more fiber in your diet. 😉

7. Poop the World – SWS Digital – $0.99

This is another one of those TMI (too much info) apps that people seem to love. With Poop the World, you can immortalize your bowel movements by choosing the shape and fragrance. It keeps a personal record of these events, but goes one step farther, by allowing you to email the news to whoever you like and also post it to the Poop the World map. Location based computing  at its finest folks! Ah technology…

Although this app is crude and juvenile, I’d have to say that it’s the one of the professional looking of the  bunch. Click some of the thumbnails below to see the full sized screenshots.

They even have a facebook group for this app. Can you say cray-zee?

8. My Poop Pay – Wishbone Apps – $0.99

You’re at work, you’re in the bathroom having your morning constitutional and of course you have your iPhone with you. Right? Of course you do. So what better way to spend the time than calculating how much you are earning as you sit there.

This app will let you input your pay either per hour or by year and then a timer will count your earnings until you turn it off.

Want to know how long you have to be in the restroom to earn $5? This app can do that too.

And of course, you can share your bathroom earnings info with the world. Whee!

9. Have2P – Yellowpages – FREE

Wow, what do you know, this one is an actual useful and non-offensive application! It’s free too…

Have2P is a super simple app that uses your current location to show you the nearest restrooms. That means you’ll need to have a WiFi connection or cell reception to use it.

When you launch it, you can either type in a location to search or you can tap the Use Current Location button. You can also shake the iPhone to use your current location.

You will then be presented with a list of stores, restrooms or businesses that have public restrooms. You can even rate a restroom and leave notes about it for others to see. There’s even a button to tap that will show you a map to the location. When you gotta go, you gotta go…

10. Urinals – Bluebird Software – $0.99

The Bathroom Racer game was completely lame, but Urinals is actually pretty fun.

Urinals is a game where you are a bathroom attendant and you must direct the patrons to the correct stalls. At first it’s really simple, but of course it gets harder as time progresses and more patrons come into the bathroom.

You use your finger to draw the path the patron needs to walk to the correct stall (based on color). Then when the patron is finished doing their business, you have to draw the path to the bathroom exit. Just don’t cause patrons to collide with each other.

This game has cute graphics, easy controls and fun background music. Out of all of the apps highlighted in this article, this one is my favorite and I am not ashamed to say that I’d pay 99 cents for it.

Well, there you have it, 10 crappy apps for the iPhone. Would you buy any of these apps? Would you even admit it? 😉